Criticism and Contempt

"Inner Struggle" by Mimi Stuart

John Gottman, who wrote Why Marriages Succeed or Fail after studying 2000 married couples over two decades, found that contempt, criticism, and defensiveness ultimately lead to divorce. Does that mean we shouldn’t say anything when we have a complaint? No. The key is to make specific requests with a neutral tone of voice, instead of making broad negative judgments, such as “you’re always complaining.” You can state specific needs or feelings without exaggerating the facts.

Specific Requests versus negative judgment

Here are a few examples of how to change a negative judgment into a constructive request. Note that the most important part of the message is tone of voice and facial expressions.

E.g., Negative criticism: “You never help me with the dishes.”

Specific request: “It would be great if you’d help me do the dishes tonight.”

E.g., Negative criticism: “I hate it when you leave me hanging. You’re selfish and you care more about your friends than me.”

Specific request: “I felt worried and then angry when I expected you at 7 and didn’t hear from you until 9. Would you call me if you’re going to be late in the future?”

E.g., Negative criticism: “We never go out.”

Specific request: “I’d like to go out more. Hey, let’s go dancing Friday night.”


Contempt expresses the feeling of dislike toward somebody, and implies that the other person is considered worthless and undeserving of respect. Contempt is conveyed through insults, name-calling, tone of voice, as well as facial expressions. Contempt eats away at a relationship rapidly and painfully. A study has shown that people who make sour facial expressions when their spouses talk are likely to be separated within four years (Gottman, 1994). In an atmosphere of contempt, partners find it difficult to remember one positive quality of their partners. Conflict escalates and prevents meaningful communication.

Ways to show one’s contempt

1. Insults and name-calling are the most conspicuous and crude—you’re ugly, a jerk, a wimp, etc.

2. Hostile humor covers contempt with a thin veil of comic relief, often followed by the excuse, “I was just trying to be funny.” E.g., “Her cooking’s so bad she can’t even boil water.”

3. Mockery is a subtle put-down, where the spouse’s words or actions are ridiculed to show he or she is not worthy of respect or trust. A man may tell his wife, for example, “I really do care about you,” and she replies sarcastically, “Oh sure, you really do care about me.”

4. Body language, such as rolling one’s eyes or sneering, gives the clearest clue that a couple is in trouble.

5. Tone of voice is probably the most powerful weapon of contempt.

Responses to contempt

What if you have a partner who is harshly critical or contemptuous toward you?

1. Don’t be drawn into contempt, criticism or defensiveness. You can stand up for yourself, but without joining in the sneering, ridiculing, and hostile negative judgments.

2. Require an attitude of mutual respect as a foundation for any discussion. In a court of law, the procedural rules must be followed before the merits of the case can be heard. In relationship, the procedural rules require that both sides listen to the other person’s feelings and opinions respectfully. If the other person persists in showing contempt, suggest having a discussion in the presence of a counselor or mediator.

With an attitude of respect, people can discuss any difficult issues—sexuality, separation, weight problems, and money problems, for example. Without respect, you can’t discuss how to set the table without being inflammatory.

3. The most difficult but transformative course of action is to become aware of how we unknowingly feed the external critic (our partner), and thus participate in the cycle of contempt and criticism. We all have an inner critic–the voice in our head that monitors our behavior. It prevents us from yelling in a movie theater or showing up at work three hours late. Yet, there’s a point where the inner critic no longer helps us but taunts and persecutes us without mercy. In some cases, the inner critic can completely block a person and cause despair. The inner critic is also what allows us to accept certain criticism regardless of its exaggeration or the scornful attitude in which it’s delivered.


Each person is usually vulnerable to specific types of criticism, probably because of childhood experiences or excessive criticism received in specific areas while growing up. The inner critic becomes excessively harsh in these areas in order to catch the person making “mistakes” before someone on the outside does. Criticism in these areas is experienced very painfully, and is either accepted without question or defended against adamantly. Thus, it turns out that our own inner critic becomes an ally of the external critic.

Inner Critic

The most effective way of dealing with repeated criticism from the outside is to deal with these parts of our inner critic that are over zealous. We must become aware of the inner critic while it’s at work, and then attempt to moderate its over zealous attitude with reality. The external critic then loses its collaborator in us, making the affront less potent.

So we need to transform our harsh inner critic into an objective, helpful guide who’s on our side. We do this by correcting harsh inner statements. For instance, right after thinking to oneself, “I’m an idiot for saying that!”, we change the message to something like “I’m not an idiot. I will just try to think a moment longer before I speak next time.”

Example: Rudeness

Imagine a woman was brought up to value courtesy and to dislike rudeness. Her inner critic watches her behavior to make sure that she is friendly and nice. When her husband or children say, “you’re being mean” or “that’s rude”, she feels ashamed and hurt or becomes very defensive. If she had no hook in her—that is, no inner critic who’s easily offended by rudeness—her response would be less heated and intense. Without a strong hook, she might answer without anger or sarcasm, “That’s right, sometimes I am mean.” Or “I call it ‘being direct’, not rude.” Without a hook luring in certain criticisms, defensiveness loses its heat. As a result, the criticisms dissipate.

Example: Laziness

Imagine a man who has a strong inner critic about being lazy. Whenever he relaxes, there’s a voice in his head that says, “You’re lazy and good-for-nothing.” Suppose he’s on the couch reading a magazine, and hears his partner ask, “What are you doing?” That might be enough to activate his inner critic and make him sneer, “What’s wrong with relaxing once in a while?!” On the other hand, if he became aware of his excessive sensitivity due to his inner critic’s relentlessness, he might say without guilt or anger, “Just relaxing” or “I’m reading a great article.

Modifying the inner critic

Contempt is similar to criticism, although it’s stronger in that it implies general worthlessness and inferiority. We need to become aware of how we participate in receiving contempt. It is our own inner hook that allows us to accept a scornful “you’re pathetic” or a tone of voice that says as much. Once we’ve modified our inner critic to improve our lives instead of humiliating and hindering us, then we might respond to contempt with a calm but poignant, “Excuse me? Why are you talking to me that way?”

It is not easy to become aware of the unconscious voices in our heads. Yet, it is exciting to think that through such awareness we can develop more choices in our lives— the choice of how we respond to our inner critic as well as the choice of how to respond to others’ criticism of us.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

* * *
Read “I’m shocked how much I criticize my dad for not standing up for himself.”

Read “I feel so critical of my partner.”

Recommended books:
Gottman, John, Ph.D. (1994). Why Marriages Succeed or Fail, Simon & Schuster, New York.

Stone, Hal, Ph.D., and Stone, Sidra, Ph.D. (1993). Embracing Your Inner Critic, HarperCollins Publisher, New York.

41 Responses to Criticism and Contempt

  1. Shawna says:

    Hi Alison, I have become concerned about my husband beginning to copy my facial expressions back at me when he has just told me something, and not in a bad way, I’m just sort of goofy that way…and I do things like…”whaaaaaat” that he will mock back to me. I have always done it I think. We have been married 38 years and he has always been a very good husband and nice to me all these years. But on Feb. 7, 2015 he was just treating me in an unusual manner and tone, so, I just straight up ask him what was going on? If he was having an affair; etc. and found out that he was using Porn. I found 27 open pages on his phone that day because he tried to tell me it wasn’t a big deal and that they were only pics but in fact they were 30 min. videos. Pryor to this he had been using the term “Clyde” to address me for a couple of years. Also, for a few years anytime we went anywhere he would get into the vehicle and crank it before he would unlock the passenger side so that I could get in, no matter if it was freezing or pouring down rain. He would just let me stand there. I let those things slide until I found out about the Porn and him lying about it (because he had said a few things to me that had made me know he was doing it anyway but always said he wasn’t). Anyway it landed us in therapy, which I thought turned out to be a joke for 3 months. All the stuff that I had kept in during our married life just came out of me like an exploding volcano and I held absolutely nothing back. 38 years of resentments that had built up. He said he was sorry, that he didn’t want anything to happen to our marriage, blah, blah, and blah. Now all of a sudden this is occurring and I don’t know how to take it or how I should handle it. Oh, and by the way, I feel as though I am getting mixed messages, he holds my hand all the time, being really sweet, doing whatever I need. I am so confused. Thank you for allowing me to ask you for your thoughts.

    • Alison says:


      Thank you for your question and I’m sorry for the contempt you have been dealing with in your marriage.

      Your husband’s mocking is a demonstration for the contempt he holds for you for putting up with his extremely disrespectful behavior toward you. Sadly, you have not demonstrated boundaries, such as leaving to get a taxi the first time he doesn’t let you in the car, and moving out or telling him to move out when you discover the porn. No amount of therapy will improve his behavior unless you have enough self-respect to take real action when he treats you so poorly.

      Please don’t take this as a reprimand, as you have enough negativity aimed at you. The hand holding and sweetness he still shows you because he doesn’t want to lose you does not diminish the extreme contempt shown in leaving you out in the rain or cold, and watching porn videos and lying about it, not to speak of the lack of self-respect wasting time on porn instead of improving his life and his relationship with you.

      Your eruption of volcanic resentment should demonstrate to you that you need to speak up and take action much sooner every time there is inappropriate or contemptuous behavior that affects you. He will respect you more, you will be able to express yourself in an empowered way rather than exploding, and you will feel better emotionally and physically, if you speak up or better yet, take action sooner. If it’s a minor mocking incident, speak up and then leave the room. If it’s a bigger incident, consider moving out or at least leaving for a day.

      If I were you, I would tell him that you don’t appreciate his mocking, and I would consider taking time away from him.

      Let me know what happens. Good luck.


      • Shawna says:

        Wow, Alison…I didn’t expect such a response, Thank you. I guess I think I am totally at fault and suspected someone might tell me at some point. I have been reading some of your articles since I found your site and I have to say that since beginning to try and help/heal myself…even though I didn’t quite understand everything this article was pointing out…I have found that you seem to have a better understanding of a lot of situations than what I have come across this past year. Thanks again.

        • Alison says:

          I really appreciate the positive feedback for my articles. Thank you. I would recommend that you read the ones on resentment and on setting boundaries.

          I’m amazed that you would think it is your fault.

          Perhaps you can turn things around by expecting more from your husband and much better behavior all the time, but I really worry about the patterns of contempt already being too ingrained. I also worry about the fact that he was/is? addicted to porn. If he is still being consumed with porn, I would definitely advise leaving despite the 38 years you’ve been together. At a minimum, start imagining and working toward a more independent and flourishing lifestyle, where you don’t risk being left out in the rain.

          Best, Alison

  2. Laurel says:

    This is so well written, it really helps to illustrate what went wrong in my relationship. It was so subtle. I felt so confused. I also really really appreciate the section about inner critic, I know I did that a lot. Something to work on before I start dating again. Thank you.

    • Alison says:

      Dear L,

      I really appreciate your taking the time to make this comment. Thank you.

      I’m sorry for the unhappiness you must have experienced being with someone who treated you with contempt. But that’s wonderful that you are able to improve your life and relationships now.

      You might look into cognitive behavioral psychology and voice dialogue. Both have a lot to say about how modify a strong inner critic. Remember it’s good to have a reasonable inner critic, but not one that’s harsh and harmful and allows others to attack you.

      You can also work on yourself while in relationships with friends and starting to date. The trick is not to go too quickly where you get emotionally attached before you really get to know someone. Space out dates and meetings with people so you can think about whether that person contributes to you wellbeing and vitality or is taking away from it. When you take relationships (including friendships) slowly, you can have time to think about how you might have reacted as too apologetic or too meek and accommodating, and how you might tweak your responses next time you meet. The real challenge is practicing not taking the blame or the critic’s bate, and you can best learn to do so in small ways with acquaintances and friends.

      All the best.


  3. aces says:

    I found your article whole googling tone of voice relationships contempt.
    A recent study at USC came out and showed that a research team developed an Algorithm Predicts Relationship Success.
    Basically, over 5 years of studying couples based on their words and tone of voice, tone of voice was the overwhelming predictor of relationship success or failure.
    Contempt and a dismissive tone of voice kill relationships.
    I honestly don’t think counseling can help anything when things have reached that point.

    • Alison says:

      I believe it! Tone of voice and facial expressions! I think someone can change if highly motivated. But it is rare, and it’s hard to do with whom you’re already in a negative pattern. But if the negativity is just starting to creep into the relationship and both parties are highly motivated, there’s hope–I hope! Once you get to ongoing contempt, it’s very difficult to change.


      • aces says:

        Hi Alison, yes you’re right.
        If it’s just starting to rear its ugly head that one can hope to salvage things.
        But in an established relationship where it’s gone on for far too long, best to cut and run.
        And yes of course I am speaking from (newly realized) experience.
        My soon to be ex bf of 5 years would say nice things but in the snarkiest manner at times.
        His behavior helped me unravel things and he told me yesterday that he doesn’t like me.
        So onward and upward.

        • Alison says:

          Live and learn. And it’s nice that you didn’t spend 20 years together. Hopefully at some time you can remember the good times together. But you sure don’t want to stay with someone who doesn’t like you (or would even say that with seriousness) and speaks to you with contempt. Even when a couple is angry and fighting, there should be an awareness that each wants the best for the other and loves the other.
          Sadly your bf may have been raised in a household where that kind of communication was common. That doesn’t mean that you have to put up with it though.

          Good luck and enjoy the future.

  4. AJ says:

    Dear Alison,
    I am having this issue with my husband. He speaks to me with contempt quite often, as if I am the enemy. Even over benign topics. I am trying desperately to get him to see that his tone matters. Sometimes hell just say, “Maybe this is just who I am” which is unfair. The way he speaks to me (not name calling – it’s very disguised) makes me feel stupid, childish and unloved. I think he has triggers from his abusive childhood, being raised in a home with no women etc. I must be doing something to trigger him. I’m just at a loss. It’s beginning to take a toll on me and our relationship. I feel like I’m becoming depressed and totally disconnected. I don’t look at him like a protective figure in my life. I’m building walls to protect myself. Sometimes I have to gear up to have a conversation about a topic I’m not sure he’ll respond well to. It’s exhausting, sad and lonely living this way. I would so appreciate any advice you might have. Thank you.

    • Alison says:


      I’m sorry to hear this. And I’m sorry to say that it will only get worse unless both of you (and the key here is “both”) are motivated to change this dynamic. You’ve probably read the statistics that relationships in which there is less than 80% positive interaction to 20% negative interaction (which means disrespect, not disagreement) will disintegrate over time. The higher that percentage of disrespect, contempt or indifference is, the more rapidly the relationship will disintegrate into misery and break up.

      Good counseling can help. But your husband has to be willing to go and make the effort to change his tone of voice and attitude toward you. Perhaps you could go together to a John Gottman weekend seminar or find some seminar based on Gottman’s work, maybe online, and see if his willingness to make an effort changes.

      What worries me is that you are feeling depressed and disconnected. That is not good, and will tend to be more difficult to extricate yourself from as these feelings deepen and become more entrenched. I would at least try to get counseling for yourself, as well as keep all connections with outside positive family members and friends and activities. Without a wider network of positive people and activities, you can lose your sense of self.

      My hope is that you could go to good counseling together. If not, go on your own. There is always something to learn about oneself. Perhaps you are triggering him in some way, but I would not take the blame for his negative treatment of you. Yet perhaps you can learn to express yourself or behave in a more self-empowered and respectful way. Perhaps write him a letter to let him know how serious you feel about the negativity in your relationship and ask that he go to counseling with you. It’s critical that you continue to engage with a positive support group (friends) and pursue activities that vitalize your spirit. If you stay strong and objective, and the relationship continues to deteriorate, your next options will become clear. If, on the other hand, you let yourself fall into depression, isolate yourself, become inactive, and avoid getting help, then you will become more dependent, weak, and unable to take any necessary steps to get your life back under control and moving in a positive direction. It takes strength and courage to stand up and take the necessary steps to change a negative situation. Depression and being disconnected deplete the strength necessary. So please reach out to friends, a support group, or a counselor (find one you like.)

      Your husband may not be a bad guy. As you said, he experienced abuse as a child. It’s admirable to have sympathy for him. But it doesn’t help him or you to enable his contemptuous attitude toward you. It is bad for both of you.

      Take care.


      • AJ says:

        Thank you for taking the time to write to me Alison. I’ve never felt so low. We had a huge blow out a week ago. He left work early to golf, never text me just to let me know and walked in the door 15 min late for dinner. When I told him I was upset it just went from bad to worse and worse and worse. Until I couldn’t take it anymore. I cried, broke down emotionally and vomited before going to bed. This was all thrown in my face later – it was too much according to him. We talked all wknd and I foolishly tried to get him to see this is verbal Abuse. He half heartedly admitted it is but continues to justify his behavior. He says my sarcasm or behavior causes him to be that way way. He gets me so confused I can’t think straight. Could it be my fault? Can a wife’s behavior cause verbal abuse? Isn’t that a separate issue? Sure, I have things I can work on but at the end of the day I fail to see how my behavior could even be considered abusive. He never even brings up my behavior until I’m upset w him. Then he uses that so we never have to look at his behavior. We have an appointment for counseling but now I’m really scared bc everything I read says that couples counseling only makes abusive men worse, validates the cause and effect – that I cause his behavior. I’m lost and don’t know how to move forward. Can you offer any advice? I thank you so much. I think it’s amazing you take the time to reach out to strangers to help them. You helped me. I thank you.

        • Alison says:


          Sorry about the delay, but I was out of town. I’m so sorry about the turmoil you are going through.

          Can a wife (or partner) cause the husband (partner) to be verbally abusive? Well, people definitely can provoke one another and this situation sounds as though there is mutual provoking going on. I don’t think this relationship can last if there is this much bitterness, fear or anguish (to the point of vomiting) and anger. Without seeing the both of you, I don’t know who is provoking whom more, but at this point, it doesn’t really matter. It doesn’t sound as though there is close to the 80% positive or neutral interaction between the two of you required to maintain a good relationship. There is far too much emotional reactivity.

          I think counseling, together and/or alone, is key to getting more grounded and centered and to learn to react in a more effective way. If you don’t like the counselor, then change counselors. If you go together to see someone, it’s important that both partners like and respect the counselor. If there is too much taking sides or if either person doesn’t instinctively think what’s being said or suggested is right, then try someone else. If you go alone, make sure you feel that the counselor is helpful to you. You have to rely on your own basic instinct and discernment. Someone can be great for one person, but not another.

          I don’t think waiting for him after work and then being angry will be effective. He will simply feel nagged, and lose further interest in you. Next time try to go do something else, leave a brief note, and handle it without an emotional breakdown. I mean, I see why you were upset, but it’s as though he’s goading you into being upset, and your emotionally-tainted discussions with him just won’t cause him to change his behavior. Consequences cause changes. I think you need to force yourself to find something to do when he doesn’t show up so that you are not becoming more and more bitter and powerless.

          Good luck.


  5. Anonynous says:

    Dear Alison,

    How do you protect yourself from certain people who are poisoning others’ opinions of you? They are also following me around on a daily basis, and last night, one of them even drove past my residence with the headlights OFF and then deliberately sped away! Should I report those people to the police?

    Please help me with this nerve-wracking issue. Thank you for your support and advice. I truly appreciate it.

    Warm regards,


    • Alison says:

      I would call the police and get a restraining order. Do you have any way of getting a license number or taking a photograph without endangering yourself. I would video the event. Lock your doors, maybe have a family member stay over, or get a good watch dog.

      All the best.

  6. Kate says:

    Thank-you for your response. I should clarify that the email is an old email that he sent to his father (Our little one is 9 months old now). He was only turning toward his father at the time and he is the only person he shares his true feelings with. He talks and emails with him daily. His father is very negative and judgmental and is too meddlesome, in my opinion. He will admit that his father is a pain and says he has stopped complaining to him after I told him how hurtful it is to me. He still communicates with him almost daily. There were other incidences where he will talk to family members about why he is upset with me and it will make it back to me at some point.
    As we started counseling about 5 months ago, we started to make some progress. I have expressed my need for quality time in exactly the way that you are referring to, “by just having fun” and I started by trying to engage him in activities I know he enjoys. He acts very awkward and uncomfortable when we are alone and I try to joke around and have fun. He says he doesn’t know why he can’t relax and be comfortable except that he feels afraid of me and is always thinking he will do something wrong. He acts very differently around other people (almost to an extreme of the crazy, fun, party guy). He turns down my attempts to engage in simple daily activities with me (walks, errands, cooking, etc) with the hopes of creating more fun memories.
    When we talked the other night, he has said that he doesn’t think he will ever be able to express his emotional needs to me and when I express my emotional needs to him, he can’t handle it. He understands that it is unfair to me but doesn’t think he can change it. He says he struggles with feeling powerful in our relationship even though I have compromised on our location, my career, and financial decisions. He says it has everything to do with his own ego and insecurities. He admits that he has kept everyone in his life at a safe distance and does not discuss life issues with any of his friends his age (he is adamant that he will not change this either). I would say that he has many friends but there isn’t much depth or substance. He says no person has ever talked to him the way that I do, in the sense that I don’t think anyone has really spoken their mind in a reasonable way with the conviction that I do. Most of the time if he doesn’t want to hear what people have to say, he will blow up at them to make them back off or just avoid them completely.
    I am afraid that he is avoiding all emotion in life and I have seen some breakdowns that show that he really does have the emotions but tries to avoid them. I can tell that he struggles to feel empathy. It is strange how his internal negative thinking can get so extreme but I have no idea what is happening or why. I can help him through those times, when he is willing to talk to me about them.
    The difficult thing is that he says his parents never argued and he does not want to have the serious discussions because they make him so uncomfortable and defensive. If we separate or divorce, I am concerned for the emotional health of my son. I am afraid that he will share inappropriate information with him and seek too much emotional support from him similar to what I think his father does to him. I realize this could even be a problem even if we stay together (similar to his parents’ marriage).
    The other thing I have noticed is how quickly he will change his mind on things. When we had some plans for our future he has changed them abruptly and shocked me with his presentation of the information. When I try to calmly discuss it with him, he will be defensive before I have ever even said anything. I truly have not over reacted to very many things so I don’t understand where his fear and defensiveness stems from. Could it be childhood experiences?

    • Kate says:

      Do you have guidelines for how to proceed with the separation in attempts to work towards repair? Our counsellor just told us we need to set things ourselves but I’m not even sure where to begin or what all needs to be considered.

    • Alison says:

      I’m glad that the email is from the past and that he has agreed to stop talking negatively about you behind your back. It still concerns me that he would ever do that, and that he feels so uncomfortable around you.

      You say he tends to avoid emotions, yet you know he experiences them because you have seen him breakdown a few times. The better a person is at handling emotions, the more willing he or she is to express them or to be around people who express them. I would recommend that when you talk about emotional issues, you make sure you don’t push too hard or go too deep, so that he will become more comfortable around emotions, knowing that he will not breakdown. As he realizes that he can discuss his feelings without being pushed to go deeper and without you over-reacting, he may gradually become more comfortable around such discussions.

      Regarding his parents who never argued: Arguing occasionally is not bad for relationships. What is much more important is how good the couple is at repairing and resolving arguments. People who remain angry for hours or days have much less of a chance of having a strong relationship. Not arguing at all may be a sign that the couple can’t handle conflict. One or both partners may begin to hide feelings and thoughts, which eventually develop into resentments. I think that it is best to learn to express differences, feelings, and desires in a positive way (nonviolent communication) because it is most effective in keeping communication candid without putting the other on the defensive. One has to also learn to think in such a way that one is not blaming the other for one’s own unhappiness.

      Yes, defensiveness is often due to one’s childhood experiences. Unfortunately it’s difficult to change without an awareness of it and a desire to change.

      All the best,


  7. Kate says:

    Is there ever a circumstance where a spouse is contemptuous indirectly by sharing feelings with another person even if they are not saying things directly to their spouse? For example, in this email, “She was all pissed off this morning because apparently she’d been up all night and couldn’t sleep. She says it’s because she is uncomfortable (pregnant 2 weeks from due date), but all she does is sleep all day and stay up all night anyway. In a way I want to say to her, what if you had a job and had to go to work? She was being a big B this morning because she was tired and crabby so I just left. I just can’t stand being around her when she’s like that and she is like that a lot. Hopefully things get better after she has the baby but I don’t know.” Is this contempt or just criticism?
    I know there have been signs of contempt toward me in the eye rolling and tone. He also does the same things towards my 10 year old. We have been going through counseling with a Gottman counselor and it is very apparent that his defensiveness and stonewalling have taken a serious toll. Recently, we had an argument that he became defensive about and he threatened divorce for the 5th or 6th time and also made other inappropriate comments. I left with the kids because I couldn’t take it anymore and I told him he needed to figure out what he needs. After a few days he decided he wants to separate but insists staying in the same house. We went to the counselor afterward and I was surprised when he pointed out that I have become contemptuous in tone and facial expression. I don’t know if that is a result of dealing with everything for the past year and especially because of the hurt I was feeling about him asking for the separation. I do know that I have started to feel like I may be ready to move on because any time I try to discuss something, always with a soft start up he begins the defensiveness and stonewalling and gets flooded. He says mean and hurtful things and will storm out. He always comes back later apologizing and saying that my complaints were valid but then he still always comes back saying that he just can’t do anything right and that he can’t stand that I always want to discuss things. I do not nag him about little things either, most discussions are about safety things or needs for quality time, building family rituals, etc. Am I just fighting a losing battle?

    • Alison says:

      Hello, I’m so sorry you are dealing with being pregnant and with a husband who is not understanding and supportive. I’m glad you are seeing a Gottman therapist though.

      The fact that your husband wrote all those negative judgments about you to another person is worrisome. He should be talking to you, and he should be making an effort to express his support and then his needs and desires. To whom did he write this email?

      Threatening divorce is unacceptable. That will only make each of you feel hurt, fearful, and defensive. Once you are at the point where you want to get a divorce, then you can discuss it calmly. But it shouldn’t be used as a threat or way to hurt your partner.

      I think you need to have a discussion, perhaps with the Gottman therapist, that if you are both willing to try for six months and then consider how the relationship is going, that you need to have some rules in place.

      1. No complaining to others about each other,
      2. No negative judgments or saying anything hurtful,
      3. No rolling of the eyes or contemptuous behavior or tone of voice,
      4. Starting every conversation with an attempt to have compassion for the other person and to listen to the other with empathy and a desire to support the person.
      5. If either person breaks rules 1-4, immediately apologize, take a 15 minute break and start over with kindness.

      If you both can’t agree to wanting to try these terms, then there is not much hope for the longevity of this relationship, or at least for any fulfillment from it. While it is good not to nag and complain, it is important that you are self-empowered and make some reasonable demands. “I want to be in relationship where we support each other and can talk openly and positively about our needs and desires, not where we are mean to each other and are defensive.”

      Let me know how it goes.


    • Alison says:

      PS You say that most of what you talk about is about safety, quality time, etc. Don’t forget to simply have fun, which may be a bit difficult when your eight months pregnant. But try to keep a little light-heartedness, fun, and romance in the relationship. On the other hand, I wouldn’t let any disrespectful comments or tone of voice slide. At least, say “Excuse me?” when you start to hear some rudeness.

  8. Tracy says:

    I have contempt and criticism issues from my mother. She can be absolutely fine 90% of the time and then BAM! Out of nowhere she gets nasty. It’s actually getting worse as time goes by. She asked my opinion on something and I asked a clarifying question. She got snotty, mean and rolled her eyes. She makes many comments about how other people are critical, backbiting, tempermental and “snotty”, but doesn’t see her own behavior. Very frustrating.

    • Alison says:

      That’s so sad. Is she apologetic after becoming nasty? You could try saying something, such as “Please don’t say such negative things and roll your eyes. You’re better than that and more enjoyable to be with when not saying unkind things about others.” Or you could just give her positive feedback when she’s pleasant, and then excuse yourself when she is mean or critical. Over time, she’ll learn that her nastiness doesn’t serve her well. Thank goodness she’s nice 90% of the time.

  9. Anonymous says:

    I have a serious issue with contempt in my relationship. My partner is incredibly contemptuous on a regular basis. I have pointed it out to him countless times & he will not admit or recognize his behavior. I have sent him a slew of articles & information regarding relationships & these types of behaviors & their effect on relationships. He is also often rude, has a bad attitude, is moody, mocking, makes faces, uses a contemptuous tone, rolls his eyes. This leads to constant arguing & fighting. There is a complete lack of communication as the more I want to talk, the more he runs away & the more angry I become. It is a vicious cycle of destructive behavior.

    • Alison says:

      Hi. In all compassion, I ask you why you are staying with him. Is your life better because of him? Are you afraid of taking the steps to free yourself from your emotional bonds (and other bonds) that tie you together.

      I’m sorry to say, but if you have talked to him many times about the fact that he treats you with contempt and given him articles about the topic, and he will not admit or recognize his behavior, apologize and try to change, then your relationship as well as your self-esteem, and your children’s self-worth (if you have children) will only deteriorate. There is no question about that.

      Most couples have issues to deal with. But relationships can only improve if both people want to make it better and try hard to improve the relationship. Moreover, if a relationship is not good, then it will get worse and worse. The longer you stay in a relationship with someone who treats you with contempt, the worse you will feel about yourself, and the harder it will be to leave. So time is of the essence.

      There is no question from reading your paragraph above that you can best find value, joy, and meaning in your life only by distancing yourself from such negativity and hostility. Just make sure to protect yourself physically, financially and emotionally as best you can, and then take the steps to get away from your partner who treats you so poorly. I have known many people in this predicament, because it comes on gradually, and after a period of time away from their partner who treated them poorly, their feelings of self-worth and confidence do return. They usually can’t believe that they put up with so much negativity. The first steps are the hardest.

      Good luck and please let me know how it goes.


  10. Liz says:

    I find your articles insightful. I am living with a woman for 3 months; she is immature, drinks too much and acts like a Don Juan in public; she French kisses other women “friends” in front of me; kisses acquaintances on the lips and rubs men’s thighs. I tell her the behavior is unacceptable – pls modify it out of respect fore – she says it is in my head and I am jealous. I am not jealous – she does what she wants – I just want my partner to honor our relationship in public. Heck my straight friends tell me they wouldn’t put up with this behavior from their boyfriend – so why do I put up with it from a woman? Good question. I’d rather be single. I tired of her bs…

    • Alison says:

      It doesn’t matter if this kind of behavior is from a man or a woman, same or opposite sex, it shows lack of respect for you and lack of self-respect. However, you will not be able to change her behavior. you can become angry and controlling, and she still will not change, but then you would feel even worse, being angry and controlling. She’s free to be the way she is, and someone else might be fine with it. So, I will ask you the same question you asked, “why do you put up with?” If you’d rather be single, what are you afraid of?

  11. Robin says:

    It may be that your ex felt exhausted by past drama. If so, that could explain why he became unwilling to be pulled in by “accidents”, whether real or self-inflicted, that he didn’t have any empathy left. You say you need someone who can take your side no matter how unreasonable or how alienating it is to his friends, who will always be there for you no matter what. That type of blind loyalty is available. You can get a dog.

  12. Chrissy says:

    This article about the inner critic has provoked a question about a past experience and how I could have handled it better.
    I play sports with my husband, but my skill is limited. One day I looked on his computer for an address and time for an appointment. I was shocked to find a message bcc from the coach to another player about wishing “someone else would take the hint about stepping back to let more skilled players join the team”. My inner critic read betrayal, screamed that my husband should acquaint me with the “internal memos”, should have stood up to the coach saying that the coach should direct messages to the player, not to the husband of a player. I found this message wrong on so many levels and for the 2 weeks before the tournament, I waited for my husband to speak to me about it. At the tournament when the coach gave the necessary rope to hang myself, I was beside myself with rage, could not see anything but betrayal on all sides and committed team suicide by speaking to the coach in front of the team by paraphrasing his own words ” that he was correct that I was not the kind of team player that he needed, so he could mold me into what he needed. And as far as his idea of friendship and loyalty, I wanted no part of it.” All in attendance would have told you that I swore at him and shot his dog, but no one knew that I had the letter in my hand. When asked why I did it and I answered, about the letter, I was informed that coaches had so much responsibility that it was an acceptable practice. My husband asked for a divorce. He said that he believed everyone received that letter, that it was no big deal. That I had assumed in error that I was being put down, that I should have just backed off. We didn’t separate then, but the corrosion to my status in my mind and his was mortaly wounded. I tried putting it behind me, but his refusal to accept any responsibility, culpability by the coach or willingness to speak further about the situation or event left me feeling distrusted, devalued, anxious, shamed, and offended. The final act of betrayal came a year later and was his failure to come and see about my well being after an early morning car accident that required ambulances, police and fire department. His excuse, “I would have had to miss a day’s work.” Three years later, he maintains that “he wasn’t the one who crashed my vehicle.” Therefore, he is absolved of any need to apologize for his lack of empathy or support, and he won’t even back up and say, “I wasn’t aware that it was a big deal. If I had known I would have come.” As you may have already perceived, I have been unable to lay this to rest, unable to walk away, unable to move on. I have not been able to distance myself from this man, I love him and after years of therapy, still continue to throw myself under this bus accident of a relationship. Wishing I could open my mind up and ripped those pages of memories, the good with the bad and shred them, so I could give myself a fresh start. Why did I write this, am I still looking for validation, someone to tell me they would have done the same thing….maybe a court ordered restraining order from associating or even thinking about him might be needed. Thank you for this space to write on.

    • Sutara Ling says:

      Dear Chrissy, I want to reply to you bcos I am touched by your plight, dilemma & expression.
      That all sounds a bit horrific & where you ask for some validation or resonance I see that there is none..[well as far as I can tell].
      I felt apprehensive just reading about your experience of betrayal, how you came to know that content, how sharing that intimacy with your Husband didn’t happen till later and even further that the issue was brought up in a public arena.
      Some of the content is hard to follow-did you shoot the coaches’s dog?
      What’s apparent is how angry the situation ‘made’ you feel, and finding ways to to deal with that anger appropriately were clearly beyond you at that point.

      I could definitely have been boiling mad in response to a perceived betryal, & I wud have definitely have wanted a heads up on the hidden convos & agendas, I go after ‘transparency’ like a woman on a mission!!!

      I hope you have found you way forward & experience some resolution or peace in regard t this past experience, warmly, Sutara.

    • Alison says:

      I’m sorry I never replied to your email. That was an oversight that I just caught because another reader replied to you. I hope that you are doing better. What has happened in the past 2.5 years?
      All the best.

    • arezu says:

      Wow.. I just read this and I feel your pain. Having been in a very similar situation myself. How are you now. . it is hell to live in such pain …

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