Does it help to argue or complain when dealing with a controlling person? How do you respond to someone who is controlling, demanding and wants you to do things you don’t want to do?

Video by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “My parent was controlling.” How we develop Defense Mechanisms (Part I)

Read “Dealing with Brashness: ‘I feel miserable because she has been so short with me.’”

“Peace – Buddha” by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire

If you are facing disease, a break up of a relationship, tragic choices made by family members, or financial distress, your life can feel out of control. As a result, you can feel helpless and powerless, and become anxious, overwhelmed, and depressed.

There are many things we don’t have control over in our lives and many more that we have very little control over. While we may not be able to change our external circumstances, what we can change is our internal perspective, and this can make all the difference in the world.

It may be difficult to change negative thought patterns, let go of grudges, and stop complaining about our circumstances, all of which bring us a certain comfort. Yet with practice, we can control our thoughts and change our perspective. We can admit to our negative thinking, understand it, and then move on.

Viktor Frankl, who survived the most dire circumstances in the Auschwitz Concentration Camp, said, “When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.”

Therefore, we should focus on what we do have control over. We can determine the following:

1. how we spend our time,
2. whom we spend our time with,
3. what we read,
4. what we think about,
5. how to view the events in our lives,
6. what we learn from our relationships,
7. how to respond to other people—their love, their anger, their expectations,
8. the words and tone we use,
9. where we spend our time.

Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.

~Viktor E. Frankl, Man’s Search for Meaning

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Live and Improve Every Moment: ‘Life is a drag.’”

Read “Fear and Panic: ‘If I don’t keep on top of everything, I don’t know what will happen.’”

“The Kiss” by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire

Before you wish your partner would simply obey your wishes, think about how a domineering/submissive dynamic would impact the long-term health of your relationship. A relationship based on unequal power and obedience will not grow and cannot sustain passion. Domination and compliance are quick ways to deal a blow to the respect required for a long-term passionate relationship.

Respect and love are at the heart of any meaningful or enjoyable relationship. In fact research shows that men and women who are able to listen to their partners in a respectful way are more likely to sustain a successful relationship.* A sense of power sharing is critical to a mutually respectful relationship that is capable of sustaining long-term harmony.

Equality does not mean giving in, giving up, or taking turns in your decision making. It means really listening with an open mind and generous heart.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

*Reference: Richard Wiseman, “59 Seconds: Think a little, Change a lot.”

Read “Creating a better relationship: ‘You don’t know what you’re talking about!’”

Read “Conversation and Active Listening: ‘It seems like I do all the talking.’”

“Anthony’s Key” by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire

Research shows that most of the pleasure derived from traveling is experienced in the planning and anticipation of the trip.*
Planning a vacation involves imagining what you will feel like on the trip—whether relaxed and romantic, adventuresome and athletic, or knowledgeable and worldly, etc. When we imagine how we feel on the trip, the parts of ourselves that have been neglected come alive in hopes of being more fully expressed.

The fantasy of travel

Fantasies are deceptive in that they highlight the pleasure, novelty, and magic of what is possible, and leave out the disappointment, discomfort and difficulty you might experience during the trip. When you picture the warm breeze and swaying palm trees at the beach, you rarely imagine the frustration with airport security, flight delays, hotel cancellations, weather, noise, unexpected expenses, disappointments and bad moods. Fortunately, memories of our past tend to highlight the highs, and with some imagination and a sense of humor we can turn the misfortunes into opportunities for telling entertaining stories.

What fantasies reveal

Fantasies often reveal to us what we may be missing in our lives—literally or metaphorically. They sometimes substitute the literal object for the quality that we could benefit from developing in ourselves.

For example, someone who is very practical and goal-oriented may fantasize about sitting by the ocean and doing nothing but feeling the warmth of the sun. Someone who has a regimented daily routine may dream of adventure and spontaneity. Someone who feels his or her life is too provincial may imagine taking in the art, culture and history of foreign countries.

Using the fantasy to improve your life

We can gain a fresh look at our life by recognizing what is motivating us to take our fantasy trip. We don’t have to wait for the trip in order to begin integrating the sought-for qualities within ourselves. If we are seeking romance, for instance, we can try to do things with more excitement, passion, and love every day.

Instead of waiting until a two-week vacation, we can use our imagination to look for ways to add a little fantasy vacation into our every day life. The desire to have adventure, feel romantic, relax, or feel strong can deepen through being aware of those needs and desires. We can try to live the life we desire all year round by bringing some of those qualities into our daily life in addition to going on a fantastic vacation.

An intense anticipation itself transforms possibility into reality; our desires being often but precursors of the things which we are capable of performing.

~Samuel Smiles

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

* Research by Jeroen Nawijn from Erasmus University in Rotterdam and NHTV Breda University of Applied Sciences and his team, who are published online in Springer’s journal Applied Research in Quality of Life.

Read “Fantasies: ‘All I want is a Lamborghini! Then I’d be happy.’”

“Personality”—Alec Baldwin by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire

GUEST AUTHOR Sam Vaknin, PhD writes:

Some people rarely fail, but they are no roaring successes, either. They linger in a limbo, somewhere between minimal attainment and mediocrity. They pass, but never quite make it. They seem to fear and avoid failure and success in equal measures. How can this be explained?

We can define “succeeding” as “realizing one’s full potential.”
“Not failing” can be defined as “not realizing one’s full potential, but only some of it.”

So, “not failing” is the opposite, the antonym of “succeeding.” Not failing=not succeeding=failing to succeed. Most people who fear failure try hard to not fail. Since, as we have shown, not failing amounts to failing to succeed, such people equally dread success and, therefore, try to not succeed. They opt for mediocrity.

In order to not succeed, one needs to not apply oneself to one’s tasks, or to not embark on new ventures or undertakings. Often, such avoidant, constricted behaviours are not a matter of choice, but the outcome of inner psychological dynamics that compels them.

These character traits and behaviors are narcissistic.

Narcissists cannot tell the difference between free-will choices and irresistible compulsions because they regard themselves as omnipotent and, therefore, not subject to any forces, external or internal, greater than their willpower. They tend to claim that both their successes and failures are exclusively the inevitable and predictable outcomes of their choices and decisions.

The preference to not fail is trivial – but, why the propensity to not succeed?

Not succeeding assuages the fear of failure. After all, a one-time success calls for increasingly more unattainable repeat performances. Success just means that one has got more to lose, more ways to fail. Deliberately not succeeding also buttresses the narcissist’s sense of omnipotence: “I – and only I – choose to what extent and whether I succeed or fail.” Similarly, the narcissist grandiose conviction that he is perfect is supported by his self-inflicted lack of success. He tells himself: “I could have succeeded had I only chose to and applied myself to it. I am perfect, but I elect to not manifest my perfection via success.”

Indeed, as the philosopher Spinoza observed, perfect beings have no wants or needs. They don’t have to try and prove anything. In an imperfect world, such as ours is, the mere continued existence of a perfect being constitutes its success. “I cannot fail as long as I merely survive” – is the perfect entity’s motto.

Many narcissistic defences, traits, and behaviours revolve around the compulsive need to sustain a grandiose self-image of perfection (“perfectionism”.) Paradoxically, deficient impulse control helps achieve this crucial goal. Impulsive actions and addictive behaviours render failure impossible as they suggest a lack of premeditation and planning.

Moreover: to the narcissistic patient, these kinds of decisions and deeds feel immanent and intuitive, an emanation or his core self, the true expression of his quiddity, haecceity, and being. This association of the patient’s implied uniqueness with the exuberance and elation often involved in impulsive and addictive acts is intoxicating. It also offers support to the patient’s view of himself as superior, invincible, and immune to the consequences of his actions. When he gambles, shops, drives recklessly, or abuses substances he is “godlike” and thoroughly happy, at least for a fraction of a second.

Instant gratification – the infinitesimal delay between volition or desire and fulfillment – enhance this overpowering sense of omnipotence. The patient inhabits a sempiternal present, actively suppressing the reasoned anticipation the future consequences of his choices. Failure is an artifact of a future tense and, in the absence of such a horizon,success is invariably guaranteed or at least implied.

Some patients are ego-dystonic: they loathe their lack of self-control and berate themselves for their self-defeating profligacy and self-destructive immaturity. But even then, their very ability to carry out the impulsive or addictive feat is, by definition, a success: the patient is accomplished at behaving irresponsibly and erratically, his labile self-ruination is his forte as he masterfully navigates his own apocalyptic path. Only by failing to control his irresistible impulses and by succumbing to his addictions, is this kind of narcissistic patient able to act at all. His submission to these internal “higher powers” provides him with a perfect substitute to a constructive, productive, stable, and truly satisfactory engagement with the world.

Thus, even when angry at himself, the patient castigates the ominous success of his dissolute ways, not their failure. His rage is displaced: rather than confront his avoidant misconduct, he tries to cope with the symptoms of his underlying, all-pervasive, and pernicious psychodynamics. Ironically, it is this ineluctable failure of his life as a whole that endows him with a feeling of self-control: he is the one who brings about his own demise, inexorably, but knowingly.

by Sam Vaknin, PhD, the excellent Author of “Malignant Self-love: Narcissism Revisited.”

Read Dr. Sam Vaknin’s “I Can Achieve and Do Anything If I Only Put My Mind to It.”

Read “Self-control: ‘I really want to get this new ipod today Mom.’”

“Bicicletas para Alquilar” by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire

When your child (or anyone else) admits to doing something wrong, it is very tempting to be angry and say, “What did I tell you!” It is particularly hard to resist gloating when you’re dealing with a know-it-all teenager.

Yet being smug, furious, or self-righteous will not improve your relationship or help your child become honest and accountable. The reason children lie or hide things from their parents is because they want to avoid their parents’ anger, lectures, and reactivity. No one, not even an adult, can stand predictable lectures and sanctimonious criticism.

Moreover, children do not gain accountability and personal power in an atmosphere where the parties are fused, that is, where over-reaction and attempts to control are abundant, but real consequences rare.

Pause

If you want your children to be open and honest with you and to become self-empowered and accountable, then the first thing you should say when they confess to wrongdoing is “I’m glad you told me. What do you think you should do?/ How can I help?” Then it’s important to pause, giving them plenty of time to think and respond.

It may take a great deal of practice visualizing having enough patience to be able to say, “I’m glad you came to me/told me/have been honest with me,” and then to pause when your child admits to lying, drinking, or wrecking your car. But if you do so, they will often figure out what they must do to make things right and be accountable themselves.

Consequences

This is not to say that you shouldn’t have boundaries, rules and consequences. But the most effective way to enforce boundaries is by being reasonable, calm, and steadfast without exhibiting hysteria or rage. The more you lecture in an angry or pleading manner, or worse, for a lengthy period of time, the clearer it is that you are not in control. Your children will sense that, and they will not hear a word you say. Moreover, they won’t have a chance to develop their own reasonable sense of accountability. They are too busy shutting down or defending themselves against the barrage of attacks.

On the other hand, you encourage your child to be open and honest with you when you do not overreact. You encourage accountability and self-empowerment by imposing reasonable, “real world” consequences, and abiding by them. For instance, if they damage the car they should pay the insurance deductible and increased insurance costs. If they have no money, they should do more chores. Their use of the car should probably also be restricted for a period of time (until they can buy their own car?)

When the parent remains reasonable and understanding, while also imposing consequences, the child is more likely to develop his or her own moral compass, and not simply react to his or her annoying, tiresome, or hysterical parents.

Remember,

There is no person so severely punished, as those who subject themselves to the whip of their own remorse.

~Seneca

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Emotionally Volatile People: ‘He can be so charming and then so defiant.’”

Read “My teenager is selfish and rude! How did I raise a child like this?”

“Marilyn Silver Screen” by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire

Some people claim they want more intimacy. Yet what they really want is total acceptance and validation, which are antithetical to intimacy. Long-term, passionate intimacy requires that two people have a strong enough sense of self that they can have differing opinions without expecting all-encompassing closeness and validation from each other.

Intimacy based on accommodation

People often find it uncomfortable to deal with their partner’s insecurities. It is easier to simply appease them, agree with them, and validate them. Thus, people often validate their partner simply to accommodate his or her fears and insecurities. It is often really their own anxiety that they cannot tolerate when their partner is under stress.

For example, one may choose to respond by nodding and smiling rather than saying, “I think you should have handled this differently.” As a result of hiding one’s true thoughts, the result is a deadening of the soul, resentment, and a loss of passion within the relationship.

Codependence

Validating your partner can temporarily improve your partner’s mood and functioning. However, it often creates long-term problems, such as increased codependency. Each partner feels increasingly burdened by an obligation to ease the other person’s anxiety. When couples become codependent, they are increasingly vulnerable to the other partner’s manipulation. They also become anxious about saying and doing the right thing in order to get a positive reaction.

Intimacy based on candor

True intimacy evolves when you don’t manipulate your partner to validate you. When you don’t need your partner to accommodate your insecurities, you have the courage to show parts of yourself to your partner that he or she may not agree with or validate. The benefit is that your partner then truly sees you without feeling an obligation to shore up your insecurities.

This requires a certain discipline, confidence, and courage to look at yourself objectively and to accept your partner’s authentic response.

While it’s nice to be validated by others, you are more likely to get true validation when you don’t seek it. When you’re willing to accept a person’s honest response, then you can meet that person on a deeper, truly intimate level. Ironically, less validation means greater intimacy and the possibility of a long-term passionate relationship.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Intimacy vs. Agreement: ‘I better not disagree with his point of view, or he’ll get upset.’”

“Roar” by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire

Life would be so simple if a person were either all bad or all good. However, most people, even abusive people, have some good qualities or they would not have drawn others into a relationship to begin with.

Abuse in a relationship usually arises over time and stems from a person’s insecurities and fears. So it’s easy for a compassionate person to feel empathy even for someone who has caused him or her harm.

What is it to be compassionate?

Compassion means trying to understand where a person is coming from and therefore not resorting to punitive and vengeful behavior. However, it does not mean putting up with and living with someone who is abusive. We can be compassionate without compromising our own boundaries and self-respect.

Compassion never means accepting or living with abuse. You can have compassion for someone’s flaws without accepting a relationship based on contempt and fear. You can have compassion for someone’s weaknesses without giving up what’s yours legally and morally.

Abusive vs. healthy relationships

Relationships are meant to be supportive and life-enhancing. When two people live together, each should want the other to thrive and be happy.

Some people are burdened with insecurity when their partner socializes, travels, and even works. In healthy relationships partners try to overcome those insecurities in order to promote what is best for the other person, because they love the other person and because it is in everyone’s best interest to be encouraging.

Having to tip-toe around and avoid speaking your mind to avoid conflict is not acceptable in a relationship. You are not doing either of you any good by remaining in an abusive relationship.

Listen to your inner voice

The most important voice you need to address is your inner voice. You may feel guilty or like a failure for leaving but you are ultimately protecting yourself. No one else in their right mind who knows the circumstances of the abuse you confront and cares about you would blame you for leaving, not even for a moment.

You are entitled to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness without the limitations imposed on you by an abusive relationship. You can still appreciate the positive in your former partner and the love and experiences you enjoyed in your relationship, and you certainly should treat your former partner with respect. Yet you must honor your own boundaries and insist that your former partner does so as well.

But remember it takes both of you to continue to be respectful after the relationship ends. If your ex does not keep his or her end of the bargain then it is time to let go of the hope that you can maintain a friendship.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Breaking up: ‘I feel miserable and stifled as though I don’t exist in this partnership. I have to move out, but don’t want to hurt him.’”

Read “Compassionate Confrontation: ‘He said he’d spend more time with me, but has not followed through.’”

Read “Abusive emails from an ex: ‘I keep defending myself against never-ending false, accusatory emails from my ex-husband, because I want to stay on good terms.’”