“Don’t you love me?”

"The Kiss" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

No, please don’t ask that! If you have to ask, then at least say, “I know you’re crazy about me,” or “Tell me all the reasons you love me,” but say it with confidence and a smile in your eyes.

The question “Don’t you love me?” sounds needy and weak. You’ll probably get a “Yes, of course I do,” but it won’t be very satisfying, because the yearning and deprivation behind the question act as elements of coercion. There’s a sense of “You better answer ‘yes’, because if you don’t soothe my doubts, I’ll fall apart and then you’ll really have to take care of me.”

It’s human nature to be put off by neediness. Ironically, the very people who want so much to be desired and loved cause others to lose desire for them by their yearning. Instead of pressuring someone to validate you, it’s healthier to accept and validate yourself. It takes will-power, self-awareness, and a lot of practice standing on your own. While it may be tough to resist asking for validation and love, you’ll become stronger as well as more desirable to others.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Emotional Intimacy.”

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2 thoughts on ““Don’t you love me?”

  1. Pingback: I’ve texted you five times in the last hour! Where have you been? | Healthy Relationships and Solutions to Happiness and Love

  2. kay

    You’re right. You often see people in a vicious cycle in unhealthy relationships—they might not feel great about themselves and their solution is to become more needy for love, which causes the other person to seek more independence.

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