When you translate your desire into a need for biological gratification, it’s a turn-off. Your partner will resent feeling used to feed your self-esteem and needs. Desire out of a need to be satiated is consumptive and can never be fully satisfying to either party.
However, sexual intimacy deepens the vitality of long-term relationships and should definitely be pursued. So talk to your partner to discover how you can both deepen the intimacy between the two of you. Ask your partner what she’s feeling and express how important it is for you to have passion and intimacy on all levels in your relationship.
In addition to talking to her, change your view of sexual intimacy from one of need to one of desire. Make her feel desired, loved and cherished rather than needed.
Martin Prechtel, a Guatemalan Shaman, distinguishes between seduction—the act of getting what you want—and courting—the act of giving blessing to what you love.
This art of courting comes from desire out of abundance, which leads to more desire and intimacy for both partners. Desire out of fullness arises out of a sense of self worth and an appreciation for the other person.
Show her your love and appreciation. Share more of yourself. Remember those attributes that attracted you and TELL her. Tell her your fantasies and ask her to tell you hers. You might be pleasantly surprised.
by Alison Poulsen, PhD
Recommended: Schnarch, D. (2003). “Intimacy and Desire: Awaken the Passion in your Marriage,” and Schnarch, D. (2009) “Passionate Marriage.”
Listen to “Schnarch, D. “Problems of Sexual Desire: Who Really Wants to Want?” (Audio)”.