“You never kiss me anymore.”

"Pisces" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

Many couples gradually stop kissing over time. This can be a sign that they no longer cherish each other, because indifference or resentment has insidiously invaded the relationship.

It’s important to have frank conversations about the changes in your relationship that bother you. The situation is not going to improve without broaching the subject.

If you want the truth, don’t complain, whine, or anticipate feeling hurt. Be direct, but set the stage so that your partner won’t feel attacked. You could say something like, “I like being in a relationship with affection and intimacy. I’d like to know why you don’t kiss me anymore.”

Be ready for an honest response. Hopefully, it’s something easy to deal with—maybe one of you has bad breath, in which case it’s easy to talk to a dentist or doctor.

It could be something more serious, such as lack of desire and attraction. Many things can lead to lack of desire. Here are three main areas to consider:

1. People stop being affectionate when they feel resentment, which can result from being taken for granted, treated as secondary, or dealt with in a controlling, critical way. Ask whether your attitude toward your partner is causing him or her to withdraw affection and openness.

2. People may also lose interest when their partners let themselves go, living in such a way that shows they’ve lost respect for themselves. When people don’t have the discipline or motivation to take care of themselves physically, intellectually, and emotionally, their partners generally lose desire for them.

Ask yourself whether your attitude toward yourself is inviting desire. We’re not talking about getting face-lifts and liposuction, but simply maintaining a healthy lifestyle and vibrancy about yourself.

3. Kissing may come to an end because it is too mechanical, lackluster, or insensitive. This might reflect one’s attitude toward oneself or the other person or it might be the result of not being tuned in with one’s sensuality.

Some people view kissing to be the most intimate of physical contact, revealing a person’s true sensuality. To engage in good kissing, like engaging in a good relationship, you have to be full of curiosity and appreciation while intentionally focusing on the real beauty of the person being kissed.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “I’ve got needs but she pretends she’s asleep.”

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