It’s admirable that you do not want to hurt him. However, it sounds as though you are suffering and stifling a crucial part of yourself in your current situation. This is bad for your psyche, your health, and your relationship.
Is it good for your partner? NO, even though you dread his reaction.
NOT making a decision is a decision in itself, which may be damaging for both of you.
If you are absolutely clear that you need to break up, the sooner you do so, the more time both of you will have to rebuild your lives. Staying with him without a mutual desire and commitment to enhance your relationship may not be good for either of you.
Remaining in a state of limbo causes him to hold out hope, and prevents both of you from moving on. The ongoing feeling of not being respected is very detrimental to you and the relationship.
Ironically, he may feel hurt if you leave despite his disrespectful behavior toward you. Yet, you will probably hurt him less in the long-run by having clear closure and giving him and yourself freedom.
We all need to balance taking care of ourselves with making others happy. When you ignore what is important for you to the point that you are miserable, you endanger your health and well-being. Your consideration for others is commendable, but you must be able to say “No” and “Enough” when appropriate.
Now is your chance to grow by taking your own needs seriously. If he cares for you he will want you to do what is best for you.
Treat your partner with kindness and compassion. But use your personal authority and be decisive, saying something like, “I need to move out and gain back my soul and sense of independence, which I cannot do while I’m with you. It’s not fair to you to live with someone who is miserable and has neither passion nor vitality with you. I care about you and need you to move on with your life. I have to move on with mine.”
You need to be firm in bringing closure for your sake and his. It is in nobody’s best interest to remain in a relationship that is making one person miserable and stifled.
by Alison Poulsen, PhD