Guest Author Sam Vaknin:
“I Can Achieve and Do Anything If I Only Put My Mind to It.”

"Finish Line" — Bruce Jenner by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

From an early age we are taught (at least in the USA) that there is no limit to what we can achieve; that if we wish to accomplish something all we need to do is set ourselves goals and then apply ourselves to their attainment. With time and dedication, we are told, positive outcomes are guaranteed and ineluctable no matter how high we set the bar. There are no unrealistic aspirations — only insufficient perspiration and lacking inspiration!

This is a narcissistic and delusional narrative. It is counterproductive because in reality we do have limitations, we suffer defeats, and we make mistakes. No one is infallible, invincible, omnipotent, or omniscient.

But, exposed to this onslaught of propaganda, aimed at boosting our self-esteem and puffing up our self-confidence, when, inevitably, we fail in some of our endeavors — we tend to blame ourselves: “If only I had tried harder”, or “I am such a loser, a lazy good-for-nothing, I never get it right!”

Such inner sadistic voices tend to deplete our energy and discourage us from trying again. In hock to the official line that casts us as absolute masters of our own fate, we’d rather abstain than be proven wrong. By attributing failures to our failings, we become the reification of our own “bad fortune” or “indolence.” We give up on life’s challenges, engulfed by fatalism and defeatism.

Some of us choose another path: “If I botched and bungled it, surely I didn’t want it that badly” (a reaction known as “cognitive dissonance.”) This kind of self-deception is equally self-destructive. It teaches us that nothing really matters, everything is fun and games and should not be taken too seriously. Reality and personal history are what you make of them and are subject to re-writing, reframing, and outright confabulation.

How to avoid these pitfalls?

First, you should develop a realistic gauge of your fortes and weaknesses, talents and shortcomings, skills and limitations. Make a list of your own positive and negative traits. Ask others — family members, friends, co-workers, people who know you well — to commit to paper their observations: your good and bad sides. If they are reluctant to risk your ire find a way to allow them to submit their input anonymously.

Now, compare the lists: the one that you have generated with the ones others have provided. Are they largely in agreement? If they are, it means that you know yourself well and that you evaluate your capabilities or lack thereof courageously and objectively.

If, however, there is an abyss between the way you see yourself and the way others view you, something is wrong with your self-assessment.

Concentrate on the questionnaires of those who know you best, longest, and in a variety of situations. Single out their responses which conflict with yours. Proceed to grade these answers on a scale of 1 to 5 with 5 being “I completely agree.” Isolate those reactions and descriptions that you have rated most highly. Are you ready to change your mind about some issues? Do you recognize yourself in some of this feedback? Give yourself time to digest all this conflicting information. Think about it hard and long. Can you come up with incidents and events in the past which support your view — or theirs? Try to return to your list and re-do it in light of these new data.

This protracted inner dialogue is important. You are bound to emerge from it with a better, more functional appraisal of yourself. You will learn to set goals that are realistic are are unlikely to result in frustration and emotional pain. Getting acquainted with your limitations is the first step towards a balanced, mentally hale life. You and your nearest and dearest will benefit from it immensely.

by Sam Vaknin, PhD, the excellent author of “Malignant Self-love: Narcissism Revisited” and other books about personality disorders.

Watch Sam Vaknin’s video called “Narcissist’s Pathological Grandiosity.”

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3 thoughts on “Guest Author Sam Vaknin:
“I Can Achieve and Do Anything If I Only Put My Mind to It.”

  1. Loving

    Almost my situation etlaxcy. Here’s what we did:We got the teachers involvement. We came up with very clear behavior expectations for our daughter (who is only 6). We made a traffic light poster and conditions for each light. It seems kids at this age take quite and interest in traffic lights as they become more aware of the world. Green being a good day. Yellow having strict consequences. Only 30min of TV time, and no treats. Red = absolute grounding to her room. The poster was large and put up on the wall of her bedroom. Each morning we asked her what kind of light day she was going to choose to have.Then we brought this system to the teacher and discussed what we were doing at home. there was a 4 week printout with a traffic light in each day. The teacher would color in the light at the end of the day. So both at home and at school, the people with authority around her knew what was up.It took a about 2 weeks. The main incident was the red day she had for hitting someone. The grounding opened her eyes.What was important was applying the consequences without yelling or getting view-ably upset. She knew the expectations, and they were discussed before hand. We equally praised green light days. And even rewarded her after 5 green days in a row. We went to one of those buffets where after eating dinner, I promised she could eat as many sweets she liked. (Really, how much could she eat.)We all won.During this time we actually discovered she has Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD). It’s on the outer edge of autism and is commonly misdiagnosed as ADHD. We also involved the teacher in our discovery. Its hard to tell sometimes how much of the behavior is SPD or a 6yr old behaving like a 6yr old.We keep plenty of play dough, and have rice filled containers for her to reset herself when we see she is getting beyond herself. It only takes 5 minutes of touching and she resets.Hope that can help someone

  2. Caitlin

    interesting indeed, and it brings to mind the recent large city bancruptcies due to hugely expensive projects that their city fathers designed but couldn’t handle, and that landed them deeply in the red.

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