Online dating frustrations: “Near the beginning I asked him to meet…. We did not meet.”

"Form" by Mimi Stuart © Live the Life you Desire

“Form” by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire

“I met a man online and he was the pursuer. Now I’m pursuing him and he’s distancing. Near the beginning I asked him to meet…. We did not meet. We recently talked of love and dating exclusively. He went silent and I texted him constantly for four days. He asked me to stop texting him. I texted him because my feelings wouldn’t stop. He said I was scaring him. Should I now just not send anything? Can I still send random stuff? I also feel weird dating other people when my inner emotions are on him.”

Online dating

I am receiving more and more questions regarding online dating and relationships involving two people who have never physically met. Online interaction seems to satisfy a need for many people who have limited opportunities to connect with other people.

Yet to “date” or fall in love with the mere words of someone you’ve never met is paramount to dating or falling in love with an avatar whom you have created in your own mind. When people limit their relationships to the internet and other keyboard interfaces, they may be giving in to their fears of face-to-face interaction and end up drastically limiting their relationship potential.

Intimacy requires knowing a person

Intimacy requires knowing a person and letting someone get to know you. For those who are physically and emotionally capable, I recommend multidimensional relationships that involve all the senses—including sight, smell, touch, and sound, as well as intuition. True communication involves a person’s tone of voice, body language, touch, smell, and energetic connection. Only by interacting with all our senses can two individuals get to know each other fully.

Online interfacing limits how deeply you get to know a person. We learn far more about a person by being in his or her physical presence than we do from any amount of texting or online communication. Unless you know a person well, his or her texted words are nothing but words that may be true, false, borrowed, or even sent to a multitude of people.

Beware of instant gratification

The only reason for continuing such a uni-dimensional and barren relationship is to be able to get that endorphin rush of receiving validation through a text that conveys a compliment, interest, or some other feeling of connection. However, if you want long-term fulfillment, you have to resist instant gratification. It is wasting your time and will getting you nowhere.

Addressing your question above, here are some thoughts as to how to behave differently in future online relationships.

“Near the beginning I asked him to meet…. We did not meet.”

First – End your hopes for this “relationship.” He clearly has no interest.

If someone keeps refusing to meet you, assume that he is unavailable. You really don’t know who he is. He may be texting with 15 different women and simply be addicted to the safe anonymity he gets with his handheld device and his own small world. Don’t waste any more of your time.

There are several reputable online dating services that provide specific and safe protocols that lead to meeting a person early on.

“He went silent and I texted him constantly for four days.”

Never text someone constantly. Don’t even send 2, 3, 4 texts in a row without a response, unless you are texting practical information. The more you pursue, the more the other will retreat.

“I texted him because my feelings wouldn’t stop.”

One of the difficult but important things in life is to pay attention to your feelings, but do not be driven by them. Take them into account, but also use objective reason about human behavior in deciding how to interact with others.

Good luck.

by Dr. Alison Poulsen

Read “Does she like me? She doesn’t text me like she did at the beginning.”

Read “Sensuality: ‘I’m just not a sensual person.’”

Read “Fears and Phobias: ‘I avoid going out in public because I don’t like talking to strangers.’”

Read “Text… phone call… email… ‘Oh…what were you saying?’”

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