Tag Archives: waiting

“My boyfriend won’t schedule ahead. So I get all anxious wondering when I’ll see him next.”

"Jump"—Marylin by Mimi Stuart © Live the Life you Desire

“Jump”—Marylin by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire

You have given your boyfriend too much power in the relationship. By anxiously waiting to accommodate his desires and his schedule, you give him the power to determine when he gets to see you. It is time to stop that. Not only is this bad for your own wellbeing, it makes the relationship unbalanced, nonreciprocal, and unsustainable.

Many people in a non-committed relationship will wait until the last minute to make plans because they have the expectation that something better might come along. If you continue to be totally available at his whim and convenience, he will lose desire and respect for you.

Eliminate anxious questioning and nagging, which are worse than ineffective. If you feel like you’re being kept waiting by someone who doesn’t like to plan ahead, you should definitely make other plans — lots of other plans. In fact, fill up your schedule, despite the fact that you would prefer to be with him over going to the gym, going to a movie with a friend, or catching up on reading. What you’d actually prefer is that he’d want to be with you badly enough that he would be able to commit ahead of time.

Allow him to become the one who wonders when he will get to see you next. Eventually he will discover that you are not available unless he plans ahead. He’ll learn this through your specific actions and his own surprise and disappointment when you are already booked up. Uncertainty and respect fan the flames of desire.

If he cannot take the time to schedule time with you then you will know that he really is only interested in you as a default date. It would be better to find this out sooner rather than later and move forward with your dignity and self respect intact.

by Dr. Alison Poulsen

Read “Is ‘playing hard to get’ just a game?”

Read “Sustaining Desire: ‘It doesn’t matter. Let’s just watch TV.’”

Watch “How to ask for more affection, intimacy and sex…and…how not to.”

“He’s always late. I’m ready to end the friendship.”

"Roar of the Vineyard" by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire

People who are always late usually have problems planning and organizing their time. This usually stems from one of the following causes:

1. They try to fit too much in and forget to allow for the unexpected.

2. They don’t have the discipline to pull themselves away from whatever they’re doing.

3. They hate the idea of being early themselves and having to wait for others.

4. They think they’ll gain status or seem busy by having others wait for them.

5. Or they’ve simply gotten in the habit of being late.

There are endless reasons people have for being late. But there’s one thing they seem to overlook — the message they send. Repeated tardiness says that their time is more important than yours. Such recurrent disregard for others wears out a relationship, even if it is unintentional.

However, we don’t necessarily want to break off friendships because of a person’s inability to follow Lombardi time. Everybody has flaws.

Life is too short to lecture, complain, fight, and try to change someone who won’t change. So in dealing with dilatory dudes, we should make the most of our time in spite of them. Here are some ways in which we can structure our meetings so that we won’t end up waiting:

1. Only meet in locations where you can be comfortably busy doing something productive or enjoyable — e.g., don’t meet on a street corner.

2. Let your tardy friends know that you’ll be leaving by a certain time, and be sure to leave at that time. Eventually, they will learn that they will miss out if they are late.

3. Meet up with several friends, so that you can enjoy your time without wondering when your late friend will finally arrive.

4. Most importantly, plan to enjoy your time without them, and without the expectancy that they will show up — e.g., go ahead and order dinner and start eating without them. When we stop sacrificing our time for our late friends, then we can truly enjoy them without resentment when and if they do show up.

Even couples can structure their lives so that they can avoid the resentment that festers when one person is always waiting for the other. I know a couple where the husband always runs an hour late. The wife now takes her own car to events and dinners because she doesn’t like to be late. She has accepted his flaw, and has found a way to deal with it without ongoing conflict and without having to become late herself. While it’s too bad not to drive together, it’s wonderful to avoid useless disagreements that normally result from pushing someone to hurry.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Rushing: ‘I’m only five minutes late and got so much done.’”

“I’ve been standing here for 25 minutes!! What took you so long?”

"Annika" detail by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

So what I really meant was…

“I’m glad you’re here, I was worried something might have happened to you!”

Listen to the details first. If waiting for the same person becomes a repeated event, then it’s time to stop depending on that person.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Order and Spontaneity.”

“Where on earth have you been? You haven’t called me in such a long time!”

"Spirit in Space" John Herrington by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

So what I really meant was…

“It’s great to see you. What have you been up to…any good adventures?”

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Were you out on the golf course again? I’ve been here alone all afternoon!”

“Why didn’t you call me? I’ve been waiting to see if we’re getting together tonight.”

"Vibrancy" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

If you have definite plans, call the person to verify the time. Or if you want to make plans, call, be cool, be positive.

But if you are simply hoping that a guy or girl likes you and will follow through with a promise, then keep wondering, and in the mean time, live your life. Don’t wait for the phone call. Don’t check your text messages too often. Keep your own life engaged. You’re only as interesting as the depths of your own interests. Pursue your passions, work, and keep meeting people. Enjoy your friends; enjoy your solitude. Vibrancy is more attractive than desperation.

And definitely don’t call to complain!

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Pursuit and Distancing; Intimacy vs. Needing Space.”